Hey Hidey Ho, Boys and Girls! This is your old pal Mr. Bingo, the Church Camp Clown!

How are you, today? Are you all having a good time?

Well gosh, I sure hope so. I went to a lot of trouble to get you all here with me, today, and I'd sure feel bad if you weren't having a good time.

So let's see who's here! I... see... Suzie! Hi Suzie! My, you've sure gotten big. Really, really big!

And there's Tommy! Hi, Tommy! My, you've gotten all tall, just like your daddy. How is your daddy? Oh, that's too bad...

And there's Bobby, and there's Jilly, and there's Jimmy, and there's Lindy, and... oh, and there's Freddie!

Hi, Freddie! No, you can't hide behind Suzie, even if she is all big and fat, now.

And there's Lina and Nina and Tina and Zee! How are you doing, Zee? Did all the boys and girls learn how to say your name, yet? No? Well, shame on them!

Gosh, you all got so big and grown up while Mr. Bingo's been gone. And now most of you are mommies and daddies, too! Wow!

Yeah, I know it's been a while since we saw each other. I guess it's been... gosh, twenty years? Time sure does fly when you're all gone away from your friends.

But Freddie, why are you crying? You knew I'd be back, someday.

I said I would, didn't I? And you didn't think I was lying, did you?

Oh no, boys and girls. Mr, Bingo wouldn't ever tell you a lie.

You remember the song we used to sing at camp about how bad lying was, right? Well, Mr. Bingo sings those songs for a reason. Lying is B-A-D bad!

But some of you told some lies, didn't you? Yes you did. So maybe you forgot Mr. Bingo's Truth Song?

Maybe we should sing it one time, just so you all remember?

Yes we should! Come on, boys and girls, you remember this. Just follow the bouncing ball!

Now sing along, Freddie!

Oh! Wasn't that a great song? A really, really great song? Sure it is!

And you know, the reason why it's really, really great is because it's really, really true! God really doesn't want you to tell lies. He wants you to tell the truth.

Yes he does! It's in the Ten Commandments. And Jesus Christ says lots of things about being honest and telling the truth, doesn't he?

Yes, he does! Yes, he does...

But I didn't hear too many of you singing along! How did you all forget Mr. Bingo's Truth Song? It's only been twenty years!

Did you forget about Noah and the Ark, or Moses and that mean old King of Egypt, or how Jesus Christ died for you? No...?

Well, how could you forget that simple song in just twenty years? Your old pal Mr. Bingo the Church Camp Clown hasn't forgotten. No, he hasn't.

And he hasn't forgotten how those nasty policemen came to get Mr. Bingo, either. Right in the middle of Sunday Services, right in front of everyone he ever knew! Yes they did.

And he hasn't forgotten what happened in that Courtroom. That's where they said that Mr. Bingo did a bad, bad thing, even if he didn't. Yes they did.

And he hasn't forgotten how they put him in that cell with that really bad man. That's where that bad man did a bad, bad thing to your old pal Mr. Bingo. Yes he did!

And you know why all that happened, don't you...?

Do you know why Mr. Bingo went to court, and went to prison? Do you know why Mr. Bingo went into that cell, and went six feet under the ground with all the worms and snakes and spiders?

Sure you do! That's because you boys and girls were all really, really bad people, too.

You all told a really, really bad lie about poor old Mr. Bingo the Church Camp Clown. You told all the grownups that Mr. Bingo liked to play special, secret games with you.

Yes you did. You said that Mr. Bingo took some of you out in the woods during Funtime. You said that Mr. Bingo made you do bad things with him. Yes you did.

And Mr. Bingo knows what you said, too, because you all went into court and told those really, really mean people in there all the dirty, nasty lies that they wanted you to say. And you said them right in front of poor old Mr. Bingo. Yes you did.

And you were the one who got me in really big trouble, Freddie. You and your friend Danny.

Some of you boys and girls were just doing what they call hearsay. That's where you say someone told you that something bad happened, but you didn't see it yourself.

And we know that was a lie, don't we? Yes we do.

And some of you boys and girls said that I did things that you couldn't really prove. That's because it was just one of you at a time out in the woods, and there was no evidence. And that's because it was a lie, too, wasn't it?

Yes it was.

But Freddie, you and Danny were the ones who had all the tests done. Do you remember that bad old doctor? I bet you do...

And you and Danny and that bad old doctor were the ones they used to put poor old Mr. Bingo in jail. And that's why Mr. Bingo wound up in a cell with someone who really liked to hurt people. And that's why Mr. Bingo went into the dirt, just like poor Zee's kitty-kat when Pastor Greenwald ran her over.

And we both know that it wasn't poor old Mr. Bingo that hurt you, don't we, Freddie...?

Yes we do! It was Tommy's dad that hurt you! He hurt you on the way to church camp and he hurt you on the way back, too. Just like he used to hurt Danny...

Oh, that's right! Someone's missing! Where is Danny, boys and girls? Does anyone know?

Well, Danny moved far, far away from the rest of you boys and girls, so maybe you didn't hear what happened. But poor Danny killed himself in high school.

That's right, boys and girls. He ate three whole bottles of aspirin, just like ice cream cones. One two three!

I'm sorry, Freddie. I know you and Danny were good friends. But it's the truth. Old Mr. Bingo wouldn't lie to you. No he wouldn't.

But do you know why poor Danny did that? I bet it was because he felt really, really guilty about poor old Mr. Bingo. And he really should have, too! Yes he should.

And I know you all feel really, really guilty, too, boys and girls. And you really should, too!

But none of you really said you were sorry. Not like Danny did!

...

So what are we going to do today, boys and girls?

I'll tell you what we're going to do, today. We're going to learn all about a special kind of truth. It's called The Ugly Truth.

The Ugly Truth is when something's really sad and really funny at the same time. Just like someone falling on their boom-boom and dropping the ice cream cone after they ran a long, long way to go buy one from the ice cream truck. Isn't that funny? Isn't that sad?

Just like they always told Suzie she was a fatty-fat-fat, even when she wasn't. And now look at her! She's fat! Now how did that happen?

Isn't that funny, boys and girls? Well, okay, it's sad, too, but it's funny at the same time, isn't it?

So you can laugh. It's okay! Look, Mr. Bingo is laughing! Ha ha ha ha ha!

I said LAUGH!

That's better! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Now look at Suzie crying... don't you feel ashamed of yourselves, now?

No, I bet you don't. And that's funny, too! Yes it is.

And you know what else is sad and funny at the same time, boys and girls? Let me tell you!

Just like fatty-fat-fat Suzie, people might tell you that you're something that you know you're not. And you can say no, and that's not true! Yes you can!

But sometimes people keep telling you that you're something you're not. And they'll tell you this over and over and over again. Yes they will.

And you'll still say that no, it's not true! But sooner or later, all you can hear is them telling you those lies. Day in, day out, lie lie lie.

And you stop saying they're lies because you're all out of breath. But those naughty, nasty people never run out of breath, because the Devil is giving it to them! Yes he is.

And sometimes, boys and girls, they tell you this so often that you start to believe it yourself. And then it becomes true! Yes it does.

Well, you know... they told poor old Mr. Bingo the Church Camp Clown that he was a monster. They told him that he liked to hurt little boys and girls. They told him that he was dangerous and had to be locked up with other monsters, so he could never hurt anyone ever again.

And then they put poor old Mr. Bingo in a cell with a monster who liked to hurt grownups, just to be sure Mr. Bingo didn't ever hurt anyone ever again. It's what they call an "extra-legal execution." Yes they do.

And while poor old Mr. Bingo was there, screaming for help in that cell and hearing everyone around him laughing, and calling him awful, evil names...

...

Well, boys and girls, a little piece of Mr. Bingo really started to believe that he was the monster they said he was. Poor old Mr. Bingo was a monster, and he was going to die and go to H-E-L-L with all the bad people.

But guess what happened! Mr. Bingo came back, just like Jesus! Surprise!

Are you surprised, boys and girls? Oh, I bet you are. I sure do.

And I know I sure surprised that bad, bad man from my cell. I played a funny joke on him in the showers, and someone else did a bad, bad thing to him. Yes he did...

And I surprised that nasty doctor who knew Tommy's dad and lied about the rest results. Yes I did. He had a bad, bad accident with a microscope and his boom-boom!

And I surprised that District Attorney who wanted to set an example, too. They said it was a heart attack, yes they did.

And I surprised the detective to arrested me in church, just so he could get a promotion. And poor little Danny, all alone in his room.

And Tommy's dad...

Oh, I sure have surprised a whole lot of people, boys and girls. Yes I have.

And now your old pal Mr. Bingo's come back to surprise you all! Isn't that great?

But do you know why Mr. Bingo waited this long? It's taken your old pal a lot of time to get you all here like this, while you were asleep. But he could have done it a long time ago. Yes he could.

But he waited! Yes he did. And Mr. Bingo waited because he wanted to be sure that most of you had children of your own. Or lived near some...

But don't worry, boys and girls! Mr. Bingo isn't going to do anything to hurt them, because that would be really, really bad. And Mr. Bingo would never, ever do anything really, really bad! No he wouldn't...

No, Mr Bingo is just going to tell you that you do.

Yes he is.

And he's going to tell you over and over and over and over again, until you almost sort-of believe it.

Yes he will.

And then I'm going to sit back and watch you all go stark raving loony-tunes, because you won't want to hurt your little boys and girls, but that little voice in your head is going to keep telling you that yes, you do.

And it'll say these things whenever you see your little boys and girls. Or the ones next door, Bobby and Zee.

Or the ones you work with at the shelter, Freddie. Did you really think that made up for poor old Mr. Bingo?

Did you, young man? HUH?

...

And that voice is going to keep getting stronger and stronger, until you just can't take it anymore. And then, Mr. Bingo will be nice enough to visit, and leave out some helpful household items that will help you say you're sorry - just like Danny did.

Yes I will...

...

So, we've got some brand new songs for us to learn, boys and girls! They're really fun and easy to remember, and we've got all night to learn to sing along.

Just follow the bouncing ball. You can do that, can't you?

Yes, you can.