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Long before he was directing such Oscar-worthy movies as "As
I Lay Here, Dying" and "My Heart Will Go On,"
film auteur Oskar Huttner was a starving and nearly-homeless
actor/scriptwriter/director, barely scraping out an existence
in Los Angeles. He came to America in 1980, seeking to fulfill
his dreams of cinematic greatness, but he quickly came to realize
that he wasn't going anywhere on that road. And while these days
he practically lives out of a stretch limo his entourage won't
let you anywhere near without a press pass, back then he was
just another poor sod living out of his car, waiting for the
pay phone at the end of the block to ring...
You might wonder why I'm bringing this up? Well, in addition
to his "starring" in a number of really crap movies
(including some gay-for-pay porn, or so the rumor goes...) and
getting involved in some dodgy schemes just to keep a car roof
over his head, he wound up directing some of those really crap
movies on the fly.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how the first movie that
Oskar Huttner ever directed came to be New Wave Chainsaw Hooker
Aztec Ghost. He did not write it, and he clearly did not
want it, but it was either this or (supposedly) taking
it up shitter for chips and change, again. So one also supposes
that he literally jumped at the chance to avoid another night
of soiled pants and a sore bum.
But it's not all bad, for we get to soil our own pants laughing
at what has to be - bar none - the most flimsy and funny excuse
ever to combine breasts, buttocks, necrophilia, buggery, chainsaws,
evisceration and Aztec mythology. And there's even a "in"
for Spectre players as well, given the relationship of Tlaloc
to his resurrected murderess.
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The general plot of the movie goes a little like this: ages
ago, in ancient Mexico, there was a sub sect of the priesthood
of Tlaloc, God of rain, who acted as sacred prostitutes. They
were ordered to mount their so-called "Perfect Victims"
and remove their doomed lovers' hearts from their chests at the
exact moment of mutual orgasm. And during war, these ladies would
go charging across the field, whirling obsidian-bladed chainsaws
held over their heads, so as to eviscerate enemy warriors and
bring back their hearts to give to Tlaloc...
What's that, you say? Chainsaws in ancient Mexico? Yes, apparently
they had them, and they had to wind them up before a battle with
a wooden handcrank and hope the tension held long enough to last
through the melee. And if you can manage to not laugh
as we first see "star" Cylie Corner running into battle
at 2X speed, topless, with one of these loudly whirring, poorly-doctored
Black and Decker contraptions over her head, then you're a better
man than I.
(Especially if you can keep not laughing when some
dune-buggy, whose driver was probably wondering what these fellows
were doing on the beach in Baja, comes charging over the hill,
right behind her, and yet is not cut out of the scene
at all. Maybe the Aztecs had dune buggies, too?)
But to all things must come and end, and the Spanish Conquest
of Mexico - which seems to take all of five seconds - destroys
the Aztec empire. The lovely Cylie Corner is ravished and burnt
at the stake along with all her fellow priestesses, and all their
chainsaws are tossed down into the well of sacrifice, along with
those who wouldn't convert (most notably the High Priest, whose
head literally explodes on the rocks, as though it were stuffed
with gunpowder).
Meanwhile, some monster in a rubber suit and Aztec finery
who is helpfully identified as Tlaloc, Himself, looks down on
the massacre and swears revenge before disappearing in a cloud
of dry ice smoke that is all-too-obviously being blown up by
an electric fan.
Flash forward to Los Angeles, in the middle of the 1980's,
where an important professor of History is showing off a collection
of recently-discovered Aztec artifacts. Of course, one of these
is the mangled and mummified body of Cylie Corner, and one of
the others looks suspiciously like her chainsaw.
Enter porn star Ron Jeremy, who makes an uncredited cameo
as a rich pervert who pays the museum owner ten thousand dollars
to have relations with the Aztec mummy.Of course, things don't
go according to plan. The corpse comes to life in the middle
of the act, and we get to see Ron Jeremy give his heart to the
role - literally.
Then we get to see the mummy turn back into a gorgeous, and
very naked, Cylie Corner in the blink of an eye. And then we
get to see Tlaloc appear, and demand she go and harvest the hearts
and souls of the invaders of his land.
What's a girl to do? Less than a scene change later, she's
out walking the streets in a dress that looks suspiciously like
the same dress Claudia Christian wore in The Hidden, with
what can only be a chainsaw carrier slung over her back and bright,
white makeup on her face, all to the accompaniment of a barely-disguised
rendition of "Fashion" by David Bowie, as performed
by the Butt Hole Surfers...
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is about all the plot this
movie has, right there, and only twenty minutes has gone by.
The remaining sixty is taken up with no less than:
X. Ten scenes where the Aztec priestess takes a man
(always of Latin-American origin, of course) back to some hotel
room, slowly strips off, mounts him and brings them both to climax
X. Ten subsequent scenes where she sneaks up behind
the now spent-johns when they're rooting about for her dosh and
uses her chainsaw to cut them open and take their out their hearts
X. The senseless maiming and killing of twenty people
who violated some taboo we can't understand, thanks to a lack
of subtitles at this part of the movie
X. Ten scenes in which she whistles up Tlaloc so he
can eat the hearts while taking her from behind, dribbling bits
of red organ all over her back while whispering further (also
unsubtitled) instructions.
X. Two horrifyingly brutal lesbian encounters as the
priestess tries to convert for the cause
X. A chainsaw vs. guns battle as the LAPD finally corner
her and make her face justice.
X. and a protracted death sequence in which we flash
back to the glory and beauty that was the Aztec Empire, and then
jump back to see this buxom bit of tail turn back into a mummy
- a mummy riddled with enough lead to make a million pencils...
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Now, this movie is utterly terrible, and no mistake. Even
the sex gets horribly predictable and unappealing after the third
or fourth time we've seen the late Cylie Corner disrobe and make
Aztec love noises atop her doomed victims. And as for the gore,
well, I suppose it's well done for a fly-by-night, but after
the third or fourth time we've seen the same chest explode outward,
seen the same heart removed and seen the same footage of Tlaloc
eating them, or seen the same collapsable head take a chainsaw
to the face... I trust you get the point. It's like watching
a GWAR concert video too many times - sooner or later the joke
gets too old.
One thing I will give the movie credit for is their
recognition that the priestess has no idea how to speak English,
much less Spanish. They play up the language barrier angle quite
a bit, too. However, I suspect that was done more for cheap laughs
than any sense of historical perspective.
Another amusing gem in the mix is the soundtrack, which is
entirely thanks to The Butt Hole Surfers. The story goes that
this movie was made during the time the band were on the tour
they literally do not remember at all, thanks to the surfeit
of alcohol and drugs they imbibed while on the road. Apparently,
Mr. Huttner went to one of their concerts and talked them into
letting them use their material, and once the band sobered up
and realized what they'd signed onto it was too late.
(On the other hand, this is supposedly their favorite
movie, so no one has sued).
So we get to hear "Mexican Caravan" while the Aztec
Priests are being killed by the Spaniards, and get to see the
redoubtable Cylie Corners charging at what seems a hundred policemen
to the harsh strains of "Concubine." "Eye of the
Chicken" is in there as well, and I'm sure there's other
songs, too, but the sound quality is so poor at times that it's
hard to be sure what's what.
Equally poor is the consistency. If she was burned at the
stake, how could she have a corpse? Is this a ghost or a mummy?
If Tlaloc's a god, why is he so powerless to help anyone? What
exactly is so new-wave about it all, except for the fact this
was made in the 80's? And if they had chainsaws in ancient Mexico,
why didn't they beat the Spaniards back where they came from?
Yes, I'm thinking too much for this film, but you have to
keep some perspective, here.
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As for S:tA fans: apart from the ridiculous
notion of a crossover (you Zombie: the Decaying fans are
even more pathetic than we!) we have a number of options. Perhaps
Tlaloc is actually a powerful Deadlord, and is putting souls
into bodies as befits one of their many Frights. Perhaps he needs
the Sorrow that the acts of such creatures can give him. And
perhaps he's using Appear to maintain a physical appearance?
On the other hand, maybe this is one of the infamous Walking
Dead, here. The body was preserved, after all (though
it seemed to have burned at the stake? Maybe the fire went out
after she asphyxiated) and it does seem to exhibit great strength.
And when you couple a Deadlord with a Walking Dead, the results
can only be terrible.
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